Five Letters
by HidingLight
Summary: Five letters are written, and though not all are sent, each one is a step to exploring and developing a relationship between Gibbs and Tony.


Five Letters

_An unsent letter from Tony to Gibbs while he was on hiatus in Mexico: _

Dear Gibbs,

I'm writing this from your basement steps. I fully expected the house to be locked, rigged, or booby trapped, but when I got to the front door, it opened for me like usual. I half-expected when that happened to find you had come home, and were sitting down here at the work table. Had even called out your name, but there was no return. In those ten seconds, I realized I had gotten my hopes up, and in those ten seconds, I realized that I miss you.

I don't know why I came over tonight. Today sucked that bad I guess, and if this were six months ago, I know this is where I'd be. Only, I'd have a glass jar of bourbon laced with tetanus dust in my hand, and you'd be sanding something silently, the sound soothing my nerves. You even took the cheap bourbon with you. You really are a bastard.

Don't get me wrong, we're getting along alright. McGee and Ziva are being ridiculously rebellious at every turn, but when it comes to getting things done, they're finally starting to fall in line. I have a new respect for your paperworking skills. I learned pretty early on that it's as time consuming as the projects you use your woodworking skills on, and just like sanding, it can only get done one stoke at a time. However, I did digitalize some of those fuckers.

I guess… I just needed your quiet comfort tonight. This case rattled my nerves in a way I can't shake, and there was a time, not very long ago that sitting on these steps would have cured this horrible feeling I have right now. I didn't realize how much I needed that in my life until I found it, and then over the past few years, I came to take it for granted. I guess in some ways, I took you for granted.

Maybe tonight I would have told you exactly what you mean to me. Maybe this case would have been the one to pry those words out of my throat, but you're not here to tell them to, and as I think about it, it's suddenly all I want to do.

You've been my strength, my clarity, my compass. You're that trusty lighter you find during the power outage that always seems to work, and keeps you from feeling so scared of the storm swirling around you. You're my peace. You're that happy place in my head. You know, most people probably imagine a beach or a calm sea when they need to clear their head, relax and think. And you'd probably expect that from me especially, but no. For me, I think of your hands. Sure, steady, powerful, and yet graceful. Worn and rough by years of work, but so gentle when they need to be. A firm and sure hold, and that head clearing smack to the back of my head. Heh. Where would I be without those moments? I would have stuck my foot in my mouth years ago. Not that I don't do that enough, but you kept it from getting to the point that got me canned, and I appreciate that.

But back to your hands. Over the years, when I am feeling like I'm going to fall over that cliff and straight into hell, I imagine your hand holding onto mine, and I suddenly know that I'm not going to fall. I'm not going to slip. You'll keep me upright. Then I come over here, and I sit on these steps, and I watch you work with those hands, and turn blocks of wood and sheets of lumber into magnificent creations, and somehow, I realize that you've done that with me. You've molded me over the years into a much better man, and these days, I would give anything to know that your hand was there for me to hold.

Only, tonight, I wish I had more than your hand. Tonight, as shaken as I feel, I wish I had your arms around me, holding me and telling me it's going to be alright, that you're there, and that you'll never leave me. I have never felt so alone in my entire life as I do right now without you here. I wish you'd come home.

I'm writing this letter, but I'll probably never send it. Not because I'm too afraid to, but because I'm hoping that one day, I'll come into this house, and the lights will be on, and I'll sit on the basement steps with a glass jar of bourbon and listen to you soothe my cares away with sandpaper strokes, and I'll have the courage to say this to you the right way- face to face. Come home to me, Gibbs. I miss you.

_Gibbs to Tony while he's afloat:_

Dear DiNozzo

Heya Tony

DINOZZO! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!

Dear Tony,

You asked today if I know what it's like to be the only cop on a ship, and I wanted to remind you that I do. Mail Call is always something to look forward to when you're stationed away from home, but especially when you aren't expecting something and you hear your name called or find your mail sitting on your bunk. Abby is probably sending you things left and right, and I know you're probably doing that whole cam stuff with McGee and Ziva when you can, but I figured an old fashioned letter couldn't hurt.

Things are quiet around here with you gone. I've decided I don't really like it. I guess I could get used to it if I had to, but it will take me a while. Funny, because it didn't really take me a long time at all to get used to you being here. I thought it would back then, but somehow, you slipped in, and things seemed balanced. I think balanced is the right word. I think over the years, you've changed me, and I like to think I've changed you.

You know I don't let just anyone in.

You mean so much more to me than

I wish I would have told you what you have come to mean to me over the years. I'm terrified that one day, you're going to have the chance to come back, and Vance is going to have forced me to pick someone new for the team, and you're going to choose to go somewhere else. You'll finally take a team lead position somewhere, and you'll get a chance to live the life you want to… and deserve to. I don't know why you stuck with me as long as you did, but I'm so grateful. I would give anything to have you back across the bullpen aggravating the living hell out of me and making me happy every second of it. You always know just when to do something stupid to give me a reason to go off on you, and the way you wear that tiny genuine smile afterwards, when you know that you've just given me that pressure release I needed… it's got to be the sexiest damn thing ever and I just want to

_[rip, crumple, rip]_

Dear Tony,

You asked me today if I know what it's like to be the only cop on a ship of hundreds, and I wanted to remind you that I do. Mail Call is always something to look forward to when you're stationed away from home, but especially when you aren't expecting something, and you hear your name called or find your mail sitting on your bunk. Abby is probably sending you things left and right, and I know you're probably doing that whole webcam thing with the gang when you can, but I figured an old fashioned letter couldn't hurt.

Things are quiet around here with you gone. I've decided I don't really like it. I guess I could get used to it if I had to, but it will take me a while. Funny, because it didn't really take me a long time at all to get used to you being here. I didn't expect things to turn out the way they did, and though there are a lot of things I would change if I could, bringing you on board was definitely not one of them. I hope when you get the chance, you'll come back to us. The trick will be keeping Vance off my back until then. I'll do my best, and if you decide when all is said and done that this is where you want to be, home will be waiting for you.

Take care of yourself,

Gibbs

_Ziva to Tony, around nine months after Tony's return from Israel:_

Dearest Tony,

Shalom. I hope when this letter finds you, you are well. Knowing you, you will have stared at this envelope for days before deciding to open it, and are probably holding a glass of liquor, or maybe a second or third bottle of beer.

Good. You might need it. Or then again, maybe you have already found out the information I am about to tell you, and you will simply burn this letter and laugh. I would not blame you for any discourse you take.

I told you when you left that I have no intentions of coming back to the life, and I want you to know that is true. I do not plan on coming back to the States for any governmental reason, and I am finding peace where I am now. I will save us both the trouble and tell you that I am still at my family's home near the orchard, and have made it my home now. I have cut all government and military ties here, and the word has gotten around. I have a feeling that is not all of my doing.

You know that you are very near and dear to me. You and Gibbs are both. Abby and McGee will always be special to me, but you and Gibbs have had very important roles in my life, and you are both loved in many ways. He is the father mine failed to be on so many occasions. He believed in my humanity when I did not think I deserved one. He trusted me, and I struggled over the years to maintain that trust. However, even at my worst, I knew that he loved me.

But do you know that he loves you?

I have watched the two of you for years. The only time I ever truly feared that my love from him might be in danger was when you and I got closer. I was not sure of myself, of what I was feeling suddenly, or what to do about it. I was torn between two loves; my love for him, which was the only stable thing in my life, and my love for you, which was suddenly changing into something different, something unsure and unsteady. He was not willing to share you, and I could not lose the love I have from him in order to chase a maybe.

In finding my humanity, I have learned just how important love is to one's happiness. I feel as if though I owe Gibbs my life, and I have come to my decision that the only way I may be able to be even with him, is to do what I am afraid he is never going to do- tell you that he is hopelessly in love with you.

You made a joke one night last summer when you were suggesting movies, that you could understand why I would have been attracted to Hugh Jackman, and that intrigued me. A little online sleuthing recently taught me that Gibbs is not the only one hiding secrets of the heart. I do not know if you could ever love him the way that he loves you, but I know that you do love him, and if even the slightest possibility exists that you may be able to fall in love with a man that deserves it so much, I had to tell you.

When I called him to tell him that I was going to stay here in Israel and why, he did not say much, but he closed our call by saying, Thank you for sending him home to me, Ziver. I told him that he needed you more, and to that, he said I was right.

Treat him well, Tony. You both deserve happiness, and if you can bring it to one another, I hope you find the courage to do so.

My Sincerest Love,

Ziva David

_A letter from Tony to Shannon, left at her grave. _

Dear Shannon,

I know you don't know me, and I hope you don't mind that I'm writing this instead of saying it, but I'm afraid that if I tried to say the words out loud before saying them to him, I would somehow lose the magic of what it will be like to finally tell him.

Your Love has lived a very painful life. It's sad to think about, but especially when I have seen him bring so much joy to so many. Not just joy, but he has kept families together, and created one somehow out of the hodgepodge team that we've gathered around us at work. He's our strength and our beacon. To me though, he is so much more.

Fourteen years ago, I was thinking about leaving law enforcement. My partner at the time had turned, and I met Gibbs on the case that revealed that to me. I was falling apart, and my fiancé was trying to talk me out of the field. I really didn't want to leave though. I was pulled into the field for a reason, and I know it's where I belong. When I chose to stay despite everything, Wendy left me.

I could have easily become one of those washed up cops with a collection bin of bottles and a bad attitude, but Gibbs reached out, and he chose me to come join his team. We had our issues at the beginning there, but even with those, I never felt like it wasn't where I belonged. From the moment I wandered through those orange hallways next to him, I knew the place, and the man next to me, was just quirky enough, just different enough, to fit my life.

I've worked by his side as often as possible ever since, and he has shown endless patience with me. He's taught me so much, but I don't mean about the job. Sure, he's been an incredible font of knowledge there too, but he's taught me what family is supposed to love each other like. He's taught me about trust, and how to value it and fulfill it. He's taught me about humility and passion for my work. He's taught me to find the good in the worst situations. He's taught me how to smile when everything hurts, and I mean really smile, not just grin and bear it. He's taught me how precious life is, and even more important, he's taught me about death.

You've never died Shannon. He carries you with him every single day. You drive him. You push him to do the work that he does, and he has faith in the goodness, and teaches us to have faith in the goodness, because of something that I know you instilled in him. You showed him just how beautiful the world is, and he's never forgotten. He's been in such pain since you left because he saw that beauty in you, and it was taken from him. He's never stopped looking for it, Shannon.

He's never stopped looking for love, trying over and over again to fill the gaping hole you left in him. I don't want to fill that hole. I just want what's left of him. What's left of him is a man that lets _me_ see the beauty in the world. What's left of him is the most incredible, honest, trustworthy, brave, loyal, loving, and yes, beautiful man I have ever met. I can't live without him, and I am writing you so that if you can, you might be able to help me bring him some peace. There has never been a man that deserves it more.

I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. When a friend of ours pointed out the obvious, I was shocked. It only took a couple of days for me to see that she was right. He loves me, and when I realized that, it felt like the sun came out over the frozen wasteland inside of me. I felt like my heart had learned its rhythm finally, and that I suddenly could see what love was supposed to look like. He'll never love anyone quite like he loved you, but I believe he loves me just as much. I'm on my way to tell him that I love him too, and I'm really hoping that you'll support us in any way you can. He deserves happiness, and I am going to do everything I can to give it to him.

Sincerely,

Tony

_A letter from Gibbs to Senior after the visit in which Senior finds out some news:_

Dear Anthony D. DiNozzo Sr.,

This is a formal request that you stay away from your son, my fiancé, Anthony D. DiNozzo Jr. Your most recent visit left Tony extremely distressed. If you need to have further communication with him, you may speak to our lawyer (address enclosed). Any attempts at communication in any other forms will be considered a threat, and will be treated as such. If you attempt to enter our property or place of employment, you will be trespassed off the premises and a restraining order will be filed against you. If you attempt to enter our wedding ceremony, you will be arrested.

Please consider this the polite version of this request, and be wise enough to respect it.

Respectfully,

_Leroy Jethro Gibbs_

Tony leaned over Gibbs' shoulder as he signed the letter he had just printed out.

"You know the lawyer could have done that," he whispered, slipping his arms around Gibbs' shoulders and over his chest, breathing him in.

"You gotta let me have a _little_ fun," Gibbs said quietly with a chuckle.

Tony laughed softly. "Okay, but you've got to keep your promise to let the lawyer handle everything from here on out. That means no chasing him down with or without a weapon, no further communication of any sort, and if he does show up here or at work, you'll let _alternate_ law enforcement handle it."

"I promised, and you know I'll keep it," Gibbs said, bringing Tony's hand to his lips for a quick kiss. "I'm going to address this, and stick a stamp on it, and go put it in the mailbox." There was a small amount of glee to Gibbs' voice that Tony relished.

"Okay, but then come on upstairs. I'm exhausted, and I want to get to bed at a decent time."

"I'll be right up."

"Sure you will. Two hours later…"

Both men laughed, and Tony left to go up the stairs. Gibbs watched him for a moment, and then turned back to the letter. He had it addressed, sealed and stamped in a couple of minutes, and then dropped it in the mailbox, making sure to raise the flag. He shook his head when he saw how Tony had blocked him into the driveway on purpose, and smirked. It would mean a race to work in the morning.

He made his way up to the bedroom, turning off lights along the way, and leaving the bottom half of the house darkened out. As he came through the door, he saw Tony in his boxers and a t-shirt, slipping under the comforter.

"Record time! I think that was maybe only five minutes!" Tony quipped.

"Yeah, yeah!" Gibbs said playfully while heading for the en suite bathroom to brush his teeth. He left his pants and sweatshirt behind in the hamper, and joined Tony in the bed, reaching to turn off the nightstand light. He rolled over, wrapping Tony in a firm embrace that was returned immediately.

"Jethro?" Tony said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for sending the letter."

"I love you, Tony."

"I know, Jethro. I love you, too."


End file.
